The Worst Mattress

My co-worker Scott found this ad for a free mattress on craigslist, and we had a good chuckle at it. Who knew you could find your entertainment on craigslist?

"Yes, that's right, I am giving away the worst mattress known to man for the unbeatable price of FREE. "This sounds like a horrible offer," you say. Au contraire, sir. Allow me to explain:

Do you have relatives coming to visit soon? Do you hate these relatives? Perhaps your mother-in-law is on her way in to town or your sister who tried to steal your boyfriend back in high school is coming. What better way to passive-aggressively torture these unwanted guests than to outfit the guest bed with a sheet of granite cleverly disguised as a mattress? They will never want to visit you again after spending a weekend in your torture chamber of a guest room.

Perhaps you like a firm sleeping surface, but are frowned upon for sleeping on the floor. Think you can't find anything harder than hardwood? Try this mattress! Don't waste your money on a "sleep number bed" with the firmness turned all the way up. In time, the air in the mattress will start to leak and the mattress will go soft. This mattress will NEVER go soft!

This is a very high quality mattress. It was purchased at Gallery Furniture, so you know you're getting something good. There are no stains on it and I promise no one has ever had sex on it, but if you want me to make up a really gross backstory for the mattress to make you feel even more evil for taking it, I can do that. I have a very good imagination and will go all out.

All you have to do to acquire this mattress is drive out here and get it. I understand there is probably a very high demand for a mattress of this quality, so please be patient if I do not reply right away. Please include a story of why you need a horrible mattress if you like. We can share our sadness together.

Pick up only. I think this mattress would melt my car with all the evil it contains if I were to try to deliver it to you anyways.

EDIT: I have found a new home for this beast, but due to overwhelming response to this ad I have decided to leave the posting up because people seem to be very amused by it." -funny craigslist guy